you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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