I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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