he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
