like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
