only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
