i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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