I haven't been this sober since birth.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
