she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
