It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
