It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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