If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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