One girl and one boy is just not enough.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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