Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
