Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
