im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
