I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize