I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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