just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize