she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
