THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We had to coat check the pizza.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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