My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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