I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
