did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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