a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
