It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
