theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
my poor anus
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
