Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
