At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
