I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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