I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
