I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
