I cut my penus on the lid.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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