I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
