I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
