I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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