remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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