I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
