I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
