Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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