My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
