at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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