I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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