this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
