Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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