I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How does one acquire holy water?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
