apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
