I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
