You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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