I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
