she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
