I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
