Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
