I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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