So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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