Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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