Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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