Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was born a porn star she said
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
