i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
