I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
