i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
